SURVIVING BADLY: GRIEF ISN’T NEAT?

I am writing this in October, a poignant month - it being the month that Jonathan passed away. As I write I am reflecting on the fact that it is now 6 years since Jonathan died. Over half a decade after cancer took my late husband I find myself in an odd position. Time has  moved on and it is clear to me that there is an expectation I should have moved on too. Whereas my life and that of my sons have gone on – this does not mean that the grief is still not present. It may not be as prominent as it was before – but it still makes its presence felt during those sensitive times. And so now I will bust some myths about grief:

1. “Time is a great healer”

Time can indeed make the pain less pronounced – but the loss is still there. The ability to live a life on the one hand and to grieve for a life lost at the same time, as contradictory as it sounds, is the tightrope that those of us grieving tend to walk on a daily basis. It is woven into the fabric of our day to day lives and is an essential part of who we are.

2.“Just keep busy”

This is a common saying when one has endured a tragedy. In fact, as I write about in my book “I Am A Wolf Tonight”  this was the piece of advice I was given by a family member the day after Jonathan died. And, as shown in my book, it was advice that I took to the extreme. I busied myself with funeral arrangements, job interviews, starting a job and other things just to get through the day, to distract me from all that I had been through. But all it did was to delay the inevitable, and the  pain and the grief built up in the background until it became a tsunami. When it eventually came to the fore it overwhelmed me.

3.“Be Strong”

I felt intense pressure to be “strong” - not just for myself but for my children. And in the face of all the challenges that I faced – I was extremely strong – maybe excessively so. But over time I found that I was constantly suppressing my emotions and not being truly authentic concerning my state of mind. It is a hard lesson to learn but sometimes real strength can come from being honest about one’s feelings. Once I realised I was struggling it felt good to seek the help that I needed.

4. “It’s been a while now hasn’t it? Shouldn’t you be better now?”

It never ceases to amaze me how many people expect someone to be over their grief after a set period of time. Unfortunately, as I know all too well, grief does not follow a schedule.  In my case, as surprising as it is to hear, there are many days when I feel the loss more keenly now,  years after it has happened than I did shortly after Jonathan died, when I was still in shock: it is almost as though time has stood still. This is because the true impact of loss is not measured in days or months: it is measured in how fully it has been expressed or acknowledged. And for many of those who grieve, myself included, that may take some time.

5. “You Just Need to Move On”/“You’ll meet someone new”.

People  say these things when they don’t know what else to say. I always felt uncomfortable on the rare occasions that I heard this from well meaning people. It seems that they are unintentionally dismissing the significance of what is lost. It also implies that there is a finish line for grief. But grief isn’t something that you can just “get over”. The loss of Jonathan as my husband and the father of my children will stay with me  and my  children for the rest of our lives. All we can do is try to build another fulfilling albeit different life to the one we  originally imagined, whilst also honouring the person we have lost. This will take time and patience.

Every loss is unique and we all grieve in different ways. But one thing is universal – if we all follow our own path on the grief journey, and try and ignore the above cliches – we can avoid being stuck, or feeling isolated. By being true to ourselves we can eventually start the road to recovery – and then the healing can finally begin.